Scoop

This week’s vocab word is linked to another writer’s Substack, who had an interesting scoop on me. Which may or may not be true.

(or, maybe? Maybe ninjas.)

🥷🏻

‘Scoop’ in this case refers to the journalistic version of the term. The scoop, scuttlebutt, skinny. That nugget of story that makes an oldtimey reporter shout, “Stop the presses!”

In this case,

John Ward

of Sketchy Scoops fame, has included a wee nugget about a thing he found in my bio: that phrase ‘ninja emeritus.’ I think he might be a little scoop-spooked, readers. What do you think?

American Ninja

Jenn Zuko describes herself as being a ninja emeritus. Nice work if you can get it. That emeritus part makes it particularly attractive; however, there is growing concern that Jenn may pick up her psi and throwing stars once more to enact vengeance on those who have sparked her ire. 

Violence is never the answer. Maybe it’s time for an intervention? Perhaps some counseling? Maybe grab a Snickers and get over that hangry feeling.

(See this post in Notes.)

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So first of all, it’s sai when we’re talking that one hooklike forklike TMNT weapon we all know & love. Not psi. The latter is, like, air in a tire, or maybe it’s a type of psychic attack that some classes of D&D character can do. I think that’s psy, though. But.

Secondly, I always sucked at throwing ninja stars (or shuriken). I was a tiny bit better at the bo-shuriken, which aren’t star shaped but are little iron spikes, but I wasn’t great at those either. Much better with my bare hands, and my 3 ft staff. Sorta okay with my katana.

Hm? Oh, yeah, it’s all true—I call myself ‘ninja emeritus’ because I did indeed study classical Japanese martial arts for many years there in the late ‘90s through around… hm let’s see… I think I finally quit the second dojo in 2010 or 2011. It was somewhere around 7ish years at my first dojo and then like 6 I think? at the second. I’m not gonna look it up; and anyway time has no meaning anymore after the plague. What I can say with accuracy is that I achieved a black belt equivalency at the first place (headed by my now-ex husband, which is a whole chapter in my memoir), and a standard shodan (1st degree black belt) at the second school. The first school shut down because the sensei was a malignant narcissist and we also ran out of money. The second? Um, well I think it’s actually still in existence but very changed, since the husband of the owner was a different kind of narcissist who, very soon after I left, went to jail for a very serious scandal, which I don’t feel comfy relating here. I did quit that place, though, shortly after getting my black belt. But I digress. I mean kinda. It’s just an explanation for why I’m emeritus, not an active ninja. 

HUNDREDS! SUDDENLY!

(No I’m not telling you the names of either of these dojos; despite what you may have heard about me and about ninjas, I am not looking for trouble from any of these people, problematic though they may be (and ninjas they may or may not). Besides, I talk about the first one in my memoir and I’m trying to get that published and GIANT sigh…)

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So, like an agéd professor who doesn’t much teach anymore but is esteemed, and so therefore is called a professor emeritus, so I, having had a buncha ninja training, am now not. So. Ninja emeritus. Dunno if I’m esteemed and it’s really just classical Japanese martial arts, but ninjas are still pretty cool in pop culture, so I use that to sound extra cool. And, to be fair, that’s all the ninjas were doing anyway, is the basic martial arts and sword forms and all that, that anyone in Japan would’ve learned at the time. Just that, unlike the samurai, ninjas didn’t have to abide by codes of conduct and formal martial rules. Hence their dark-arts reputations and less-than nature in Japanese culture, and why we Americans adored them the minute they exploded onto our pop culture scene in the ‘80s. Somewhat earlier. Ever heard of Stephen K. Hayes? Just google that chap. And yes I have met him. And to be further transparent, yes both dojos I trained at were very intent on their ‘ninjutsu’ heritage. They wanted to be cool too. And who doesn’t, indeed?

Ahem.

FUN (NINJA) FACT: That black suit that we all know is a trademark of the ninja? You know, with the mask and the tied knees and the tabi and all? Yeah so that’s nothing like what actual ninjas back in ninja days (?) would’ve worn. That black suit was actually a standard uniform for stagehands, in theatre. They’d move sets, manipulate puppets, that sort of thing, in those outfits, and the idea is that the audience would deem them ‘invisible’ when dressed that way. So it’s not a ninja outfit—honestly, black is one of the worst colors to wear when you’re trying to blend in at night, and during the day? Well of course a ninja would just wear whatever clothing was most suitable for their environment. There is one (probably apocryphal) story about a ninja assassin who got a job as a stagehand, to murder an actor (onstage? How dramatic), and so the audience would’ve been like Whoa! Hiding in plain sight! Invisible warrior! :insert flute and woodblock music here: But yeah no. That classic ninja outfit isn’t that, it’s just a uniform that signals ‘invisible.’ The more you know about ninjas…

I…no I don’t actually know. I got nothing. Except I miss this hoodie.