2: Grow a Pair
The redux of the PTMTs continue, this time with the mind, not the body.
Reminder: This second Problematic Tropes series was first published on Writers’ HQ (through #3) and then A Wandering Road blog, respectively, before then being re-posted here on Zuko’s Musings in its infancy. I am re-publishing them all after one more light revision/update under their own section, T is For Thursday Tropes, in hopes (hashtag bars) I can from there get them optioned for collection in book form. Thanks for following, and thanks muchly for your discussions in the comments. I’m finding all your commentaries invigorating.
Problematic Toxic Masculinity Tropes #2
Grow a Pair
Have you all seen the satirical short on College Humor that they call “Crippling Levels of Manliness?”* It’s a mock commercial about a fictional whiskey called Pappy Jack’s. It begins as a pretty typical ‘Murican manly-man type ad, banking on all the dudebro stereotypes we’re all used to seeing, ad nauseam (see what I did there). But it quickly and cleverly subverts toxic masculinity tropes, when the star of the ad begins to question the ad’s narrator…
What ensues is a funny but also kinda touching dialogue between the narrator and the ‘manly’ man in the ad. “I have no idea what this tastes like,” our protagonist laments, when faced with a ‘girly’ cosmopolitan. “I don’t own anything pink. Am I afraid of a color?!” Of course, those of us who aren’t afraid of a pink drink will know how strong a punch a cosmo can pack, manly man or no, and by the end of the ad the star drunkenly reconsiders every masculine trope he’s ever been complicit in: mourning, “I never told my dad I loved him. I love you Dad!”
*I’ve included it in its entirety at the bottom of this article. Yer welcome.
And it’s this vulnerable moment that I’d like to focus on for our second Problematic Toxic Masculinity Trope: Grow a Pair. The main character’s emoting at the end of the ad is a subversion of a classic ‘manly’ stereotype, all the more funny because it’s a ‘girly’ drink that pushes him over the emotional edge. (We’ll talk in more detail about the fear of appearing feminine in PTMT #5: Sassy Gay Friend, but it’s pertinent here too). And, as we know from our previous series of Problematic Badass Female Tropes, anything connected to femininity is inherently BAD, right?
Grow a Pair
At the center of this problematic trope is the age-old premise: Boys don’t cry. Not only should boys not cry, but by the time they’re grown, they better not show emotion at all.1 Or, as our lumberjack-shirted cosmo drinker exclaims, “I’m in a psychological prison of my own making!”
There are countless pop culture and literary examples of this trope, but you’ll find most of them in action-related subgenres (they also crop up elsewhere, of course, for example: ‘romantic’ stories like Remains of the Day, wherein the concept of not showing emotion equates virtue). But the stoic, stone-faced action hero is prevalent everywhere. If he shows emotion at all, it’s brief and fleeting, and when he needs to get shit done, there’s no room for any emotion or attachment whatsoever. Westerns are a prime example of this, as are other warrior-class stories like the badass samurai of yore, both of which influenced one of the most impactful stories ever told, with a global popularity that made seismic changes to culture everywhere: Star Wars and its hero caste of the Jedi.
Emotions = Dark Side
The main tenet of the Jedi order is: control. In other words, any boy (and it is very angled toward boys) who enters the Jedi Order is trained to control his emotions. After all, fear becomes anger, anger becomes hate, and hate leads to the Dark Side. So there’s no emotion allowed in the Jedi Order, and certainly no attachment to another human being, especially a woman. Excellent video “The Case Against The Jedi Order” by Pop Culture Detective Agency2 dives deep into this concept, showing how Anakin’s inability to swallow and ignore his strong feelings for the women in his life (his mother and his love), is what causes his descent into becoming the most evil despot in the galaxy, Darth Vader. The expression of his strong and deep emotions and his emotional attachment are signs of his loss of control, as well as his loss of selfhood and autonomy. By allowing himself to experience strong feelings, he loses control of himself utterly, and this is why he goes on violent killing sprees. In other words, the feelings themselves (both the indulgence in them and failed attempts at repression of them) directly turn him into a monster.
But the conscription of young men and boys to quash emotion and avoid deep emotional connections (especially to women) didn’t start with Star Wars. This insidious trope goes way further back than that: look at the story of Samson & Delilah, Shakespeare’s Antony & Cleopatra, and all those stories of the strong men who allow themselves to be ‘pussy whipped’ and get their comeuppance by being stupid enough to be vulnerable. And not just vulnerable; emasculated, which is the worst kind of vulnerability, and most destructive.
“Isn’t being in control a good thing, though?” you might well ask. “I mean, we can’t all be having toddler-esque meltdowns all the time, and anyway, aren’t the Jedi’s interactions with the Force based on meditation and universal compassion?”
Well, sure, but only to a very shallow extent. Look closer at the messages being given to boys and men in these movies: If you show strong emotion, you’re not only weak and unworthy of warriorship, but your loss of control will turn you into a monster. In these movies it’s the unleashing of emotion that causes violent outbursts, along with the repression of same. This is a terrible norm to teach men, and simply isn’t true.3
I’m Not Crying; You’re Crying
It’s what stories like Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde and The Incredible Hulk are saying to us: your strong and intense emotions are scary, monstrous, and, more importantly, Other. The good man that is you must be separated from these intense emotions. If you don’t (or can’t) separate yourself from your emotions, you will become a monster. And what does that mean, within this context, to be a ‘monster’? It means that you are not a good man, or even a man at all; you are out of control, inhuman, a danger to those you love.
The purpose of this series of Problematic Toxic Masculinity Tropes is to explore the false construct of patriarchal domination as the only way men can be strong. In reality, domination isn’t the sole path to strength and, in fact, is often detrimental to not only men but people of all genders. This trope is not limited to fiction, either—it affects real men in real life. The intense repression and systematic hazing within the Grow a Pair attitude is where it all starts, potentially leading to high rates of male suicide, abusive behavior, and a perpetration of the damaging cycle. This is where incels are born: from the absolute crippling despair that comes from abject loneliness. Worse: a loneliness you’re not allowed to find help for, or even admit that you suffer from in the first place. As ‘The Case Against the Jedi Order’ put it: “Emotional disconnection has become synonymous with manhood itself.”
Actual men irl are routinely traumatized and wounded by this trope—it’s immensely mentally unhealthy to attempt to eradicate emotion and vulnerability. But remember: Toxic Masculinity does NOT equal all masculinity. These tropes are bad examples, not representative of most real men. As Pop Culture Detective asserts: “Real men have a choice.” Problem is, it’s hard when society still bullies boys and men into dissociation with what makes them most human: emotional vulnerability. And all too often, we are, in the words of John Wick, taking away “the opportunity to grieve.” This leads to all kinds of mental health issues.
So what can we do? Cultural movements like Movember, the Gillette ad campaign (that got so much pushback), ManKind and other men’s groups that strive to raise awareness in the wake of #MeToo are all trying to change this.4 These and many others have been making steps towards a reframing of masculine heroic characters. And this opens the door to our culture admiring and emulating non-toxic heroes from real life: men like Bob Ross, Fred Rogers, LeVar Burton, and Steve Irwin are being held up as examples of healthy masculinity. Manly-man Terry Crews’ disclosure of his sexual assault experience and subsequent strong allyship with the #MeToo movement show how men can still be powerful (and manly) when connected to women, as well as connected to their own vulnerability. As I said often in the PBFT series, it’s all about awareness and dialogue: see these tropes, call them out, and talk about them. And get help if you need it.
And, you know, go buy something pink.5
When this character talks about his ‘enormous bush’ I can’t help but think of an appalling more current example of this toxicity: the TikTok rumor that manly men eschew cleaning their hindquarters, and proudly make their women wash the subsequent skid marks off their underwear. Because if you touch your own butt, you’re gay? I guess?
There was discussion in the previous Zuko’s Musings iteration of this essay that men indeed are allowed emotion—only one, though, and that’s anger. Violent anger in particular, with its requisite revenge-by-violence, is the one way men under this trope get to express themselves. Anything softer or more vulnerable than anger, though, is verboten.
They do a great ‘boys don’t cry’ episode too, as well as some insightful analysis of how sexual assault against a man is so often shown for laughs. I highly recommend this whole series, if you’re interested in a brain-food sociological culture commentary rabbit hole.
Though I would indeed argue that repression of strong emotion and repression of connection with other people is indeed what can cause male violence today, in an age of extreme gender identity conflicts.
These were all positives I found in the first writing (and first revision) of this piece. Under the 2025 US administration, are there any new ones? Or are we collapsing under the toxicity of the chief toxic man and his cronies in charge?
Carful with those cosmopolitans, though: they sneak up on ya,
"But remember: Toxic Masculinity does NOT equal all masculinity. These tropes are bad examples, not representative of most real men."
To put it another way: toxic masculinity is based on the stereotypical assumptions around what men are "really" like, rather than the lived reality of men.