Popination Imagination
a series of unhinged personal essays disguised as pub reviews. Today: something unusual, in honor of an imaginary place called The Moon Under Water.
🎶
The mist swirls; parting into strands that clump and spread, spinning into the Strange Air of the Correct Realm. Those denizens of the Other Realm would never recognize the mist twisting across the cherry blossoms, the flow of the Cockle Shell Seller’s music, the scent of his shells, the tinkle of his bells. But, there! one painted door visible through the clouds is clear: Forest green and brass, it beckons. Move towards it, and pull the latch. You have found yourself inside the original Pub of the Mind: The Moon Under Water.
One of my very favorite podcasts I’ve been absorbing is one out of the UK, that mixes poetic waxings with pub reviews with personal memoir-y stories,* with a creamy center that is creating a Dream Pub. It’s called The Moon Under Water. Named after George Orwell’s essay wherein he describes his dream pub, this is exactly what John Robins (the ‘landlord’ and main host) and Robin Allender (The MuW’s ‘regular’ and co-host) do with each guest who travels from the real world (the ‘Other Realm’) to their pub’s dream landscape they call the Correct Realm.
I love this podcast because of these wonderful dream pub creations of each guest, along with their memories of pubs past which feeds me with a generous dose of pub culture of the UK. I’m also delighted by the improvisation stylings of John and Robin—how they (especially John) wax so ridiculously and beautifully poetic that every once in a while they’ll go too far, lose their magic thread and crack up.
*Gee, I wonder why I dig it so much? //looks at my Substack archive// Hm, it’s a mystery.
Anyway, recently there has been a major Realm Quake in the Correct Realm, which apparently heralds a shift in hosts, which feels a little like a cancellation. The Moon Under Water is so much about the heightened improv and the vibe of John and Robin, that I can’t imagine it without them. But we’ll see how it goes. I won’t give up on them yet.
Your Own / Personal / Pu-ub 🎶
In the Moon Under Water, each Pub of the Mind has a list of ingredients, but first the hosts ask each guest what their dream pub looks like physically, in general; this always blooms into talk about happy pubs past (and popinations, in fact, though I don’t think they’ve ever heard that term). Then they go through the following list with their guest filling in. I’ll list each aspect and fill in my own dream pub of the mind, in honor of their changing of the guard, knowing very well I’ll never be asked on as a guest, but also because it’s such a fun exercise. Ready to join me in the Correct Realm? Let’s go.
What would my dream pub look like? Well I do love a dark, old, wooden and brass, Brit-style, actual pub-pub. Like a real British or Irish pub, not an American bar. Brass fixtures, padded bar, dark wood and weird dark art everywhere, lots of little dim corners you can snuggle up in. The kind of place where you can actually spend an afternoon using it as a comfy workspace (okay so I guess not really that dark). But good wifi and chargers and outlets at the booths. I’d also want a small stage separated off unobtrusively, kinda like the way The Crypt has theirs. I’d want to host my variety show there frequently, but I’m not sure I’d want to make it a super busy club type place. Maybe I’d put some seats and tables with books and newspapers up on the stage normally, unless there’s a show. That’s what a coffee house in Boulder does: the Laughing Goat, and it seems to work well for them. Yeah, that’s the idea. I like the whole boardgames-and-bookshelves thing that I’ve seen in some trendy breweries recently too, so I’d have that. Maybe a small soundproof room with old pinball machines? I’ll think about that.
Drafts (X2)
The first ingredient to each Pub of the Mind is the draft choice. You get two, and it doesn’t have to be beer—anything that can be on draft you’re allowed to have in your place. My two are in fact beers, though:
Guinness
Ain’t nothing like a well-poured pint of Guinness. Of course, my dream bartenders would have to be trained in the skill of how to pour it properly: how to wait the correct amount of time, what the proper head is, all that stuff. And in my pub of the mind, all patrons know not to pester the bartender and that all good Guinnesses require a short wait.
FYIPA
This is probably my favorite IPA I’ve ever tasted, and, having lived in Boulder CO for so many years, that’s saying something. Seriously—do you know how many microbreweries there are in Boulder? It’s a lot, for such a small city. No, I’m still not doing research. But this IPA is one of the most-drank flagship beers of the Mountain Sun pub collection of Boulder. It’s bitter and rich and very tasty. It’s also pretty strong, so.
Bottles or Cans (X2)
This next ingredient to each Pub of the Mind is anything that comes in a can or a bottle. Non-alcoholic selections are always welcome at the Moon Under Water, by the way: the hosts call it being “sans cans” when you’re not drinking alcohol.
Rotating red/rosé
Is this cheating? Ehh maybe, but I’ll allow it. A good but not immensely expensive red blend and rosé wine is my first bottle choice. I would rotate these out, maybe seasonally. You’ll never know which is available but you know it’ll be a good one.
Heineken 0
For those times when I’ve been sans cans, I have appreciated having the refreshing actual beer taste of this 0 proof Heineken. It’s especially good when cold, even more especially on a hot day.
Spirits (X2)
Next up is the dream pub spirits choice. Again, you get two. Here’s mine:
Tullamore Dew
I want an Irish whiskey, and was going to say Jameson’s, and I may just change that last minute, but there’s something more caramel-y and rich and yummy about a Tully that I like even more. It’s a whiskey that’s easy to drink either neat or with a little additive.
Seedlip Spice
I discovered Seedlip when my partner and I ventured to The Terminal Bar and asked our favorite bartender to help us find something non-alcoholic that was actually tasty (and not too sweet). He joyfully had us sample all three Seedlip flavors and showed us how delicious 0 proof cocktails can be. What’s Seedlip? It's a distilled spirit that has no alcohol. That’s it. And all three flavors are super tasty, but I’d have the Spice flavor in my pub, with ginger beer to mix with it.
Wild Card
This is a pub ingredient that can be literally anything. Doesn’t have to be a drink—I’ve heard guests on the MuW come up with: vending machines full of a variety of crisps; a small choir in the corner; an extra TV with vintage football only; old-school arcade game cabinets… as well as various choices for extra bevvies. Mine?
Handsome Paul
I’ve written about this beer before, when I wrote about Well80 Brewery in Oly. It’s a really drinkable, tasty APA and I’d love to include it on my row of drafts. I know it’s unrealistic to have two beers in my pub that you can’t get anywhere else, but hey. It’s a dream pub—I can do whatever I want. Nyah.
Pub Mate
This is a part that you can only hear on the podcast when you’re a paid patron, and it’s asking the guest who their dream pub companion would be. As the jingle for this segment extols, “they can be fictional or real, use your imagination for goodness’ sake … / they can be alive or dead, but they’ll be alive when you meet them in the pub / otherwise it wouldn’t be much fun…” so it’s literally any fantasy friend for your fantasy pub.
I was originally thinking somebody like Shakespeare would be fun—I bet he was a great tavern mate back in the day. I was also thinking maybe my favorite fictional detectives, Sherlock Holmes or Columbo, would be good choices, but. I dunno, if I really think about who would be my ideal pub companion? It’s my partner. I know that I like his company, especially chatting and watching soccer or fights onscreen. I probably would hate chilling with Sherlock. Is that sappy? Maybe.
Jukebox
This is the part where you choose the music of your dream pub. The hosts always ask for “an album.” So I was torn between picking a favorite album of mine or picking something that would actually be good as background music in an ideal pub. I do NOT enjoy it when music is too loud when I’m trying to have a conversation or enjoy my pub environment. I remember, too, what it was like when I was the curator for the music in a gallery study hall, and what was great music and what was great for that room wasn’t always in alignment.
Om Lounge
There’s a type of music that my partner and I enjoy that we call the Posh Pub Playlist, because we tend to always hear it in (especially posh) pubs. It’s a playlist that encompasses some groovy lo fi stuff, some mellow Thievery Corp, old Massive Attack grooves, that sort of thing. Sort of hip groove meets trance meets calm. How I’d manage this is I’d have a few albums from the Om Lounge series stacked and ready to go. I like some good rich lo fi funky loungey sexmusik, and it’s both good but also can easily fade into a pub background.
You’re Barred
What will you NOT allow in your dream pub? You only get one thing to bar from your bar, so pick carefully.
Phone convo/phones on speaker
I’m not going to go so far as to ban phones. After all, I always need my phone at the very least to hail my Uber transportation to and fro. I often make plans with friends using it, especially when I find myself, say, at a pub in Boulder and unexpectedly have an hour to kill. But I can’t stand those people who: a) talk loudly on their phones at the bar; b) have their videos or conversations with their phone speakers turned all the way up. (Seriously, why don’t they step outside?) So I won’t ban phones, but I will eschew conversations and phone speakers. What I’ll do is have some phone booths set up in the back, with seats, chargers, and closing doors, like they used to have at defunct Boulder coffee shop The Cup. So you can still use your phone to text and to call your Uber, but you won’t be able to bother the rest of us with it.
Name
Now that I’ve set this all up, I get to name my Pub of the Mind. I want it to evoke an old school UK pub, since it also looks like one. So I’ll call it:
Zuko’s Arms
On the podcast, after these details have been laid out, John and The Lovely Robin always say:
“You now have this pub to take away with you, to be there for you whenever you need it.”
What would your Pub of the Mind in the Correct Realm consist of? Go down this list in the comments—I’m sincerely curious.
While I've only read a couple of these, I very much appreciate your writing of them.
But then, I'm the kind of person who would do this sort of thing, though sadly with less style.