Popination Annihilation
a series of unhinged personal essays disguised as pub reviews. Today: The (World Famous) Dark Horse. Also, another staycation and hotel bar.
Dark Horse has a long and dark (!) history, though I don’t really know many details. Which is weird, when you think about what an important role it played in my early life in Boulder, especially Popinations past. And I just remembered, as I walked around the dim mazes the other day to explore and remind myself: remember when I talked about my martial arts background, and talked about how we would go drink beer and play darts and throw them like shuriken? That wasn’t Outback after all; that was Dark Horse. Of course, duh—Outback has no dart boards. Why did I not remember that?
I hear they’re threatening to tear it down. Again. No, really—they’ve threatened this periodically for a few years now—but the place is a legend and I doubt they’d really do it. You never know, though: Boulder is always fraught with the student housing question and the city always looks radically different every time I go there. Not Dark Horse, though. Dark Horse is exactly the same.
The World Famous Dark Horse Saloon
Is the (world famous) Dark Horse a saloon? Yes? Yes. It totally is. Why? It’s about the dark worn wood and brass of the place, and the sheer volume of strange decor, and the dimness of the lighting inside, and the placement of it: an island oasis in the middle of a vast and ancient parking lot. It actually ticks off the Dive Bar Dick’s dive bar criteria too, almost completely, except for the fantastic menu, including one item I happen to know it’s WORLD FAMOUS for. The Jiffy Burger.
I’m not doing research though, remember! I don’t know really why it’s World Famous™. I do know that it opened in 1975, and it has been an iconic staple bar to many Boulder drinkers through my lifetime there, from the cranky old retirees to the tired working men needing a pint after a long day, to the hordes of college students hankering for a wet. After all, the tall twin towers that are ‘Will Vill’ (Williams Village dorms) are right there across the street from the complex in which parking lot Dark Horse is planted. World Famous-ly. Oh, and the Jiffy burger? It’s a surprisingly delicious burger involving peanut butter and provolone and I forget what else (I think bacon maybe?) and I tried it once and was delighted. Some Food Network peeps came along here and attested to its deliciousness, too. You know I’m right, if the celebrities agree with me.
This place has what you call a patina. No, like, literally—the wood surfaces, the ancient decor, the themes of said decor….not that I really have an idea what the cohesive theme is. I don’t think there really is one, besides in general: buffaloes and the university (the CU mascot is The Buffs, which you know well if you followed March Madness) and the basic Boulder environs like Flatirons and mountains and … I dunno, skiing?Â
SIDE NOTE: I must be the only Boulder (near) native that has never skiied. My knees went bad at age 12 and it was never in the cards for me. Lots of hiking as a little kid, though. (I did go cross-country skiing once, but I’ve been told that doesn’t count). And anyway, I always was drawn more to the urban and artsy-city parts of Boulder than the outdoorsy. Methinks
might have something to say about that. I wonder what he thinks of Boulder, if he’s heard of it? His particular philosophy of urbanism seems to align quite well with how Boulder works, at least now, at least most bits of it.
When you enter the Dark Horse, you have to take a good chunk of time to let your eyes adjust. Boulder (and Colorado in general) is very sunny nearly every day of the year, and this place is always blindingly dim if not dark. You wander in and are immediately lost in a maze and a labyrinth and good luck finding even one of the bars to sit at. The decor I speak of is all around—no blank walls here, every surface is crammed with regalia. Most (world) famous of all the decor is the confusing bathroom labels. I hear that it’s a source of many a drunken gaffe, but I personally have only entered the wrong bathroom once, in all my years of debauchery.
I recently went up to Boulder for my Blue Dime Cabaret show, but I got to Boulder a day early because I was taking a little staycation and also giving my partner some alone time by going up there early before he’d then join me for the show the next day. We’ve taken to doing a hotel instead of trying to drive so far in one night (more about that in a minute). So, after sampling Dark Horse (sorry, WORLD FAMOUS Dark Horse) and getting all nostalgic, I went to the hotel to check in myself and then, after a day of other multiple errands, including getting my hair done, it was time for a snack and a sip at the hotel bar.
Holding Court at the Courtyard Marriott
Hotels are weird anyway and hotel bars are weird with almost no exception. Now I’m not a widely traveled person, but the only hotel bar I’ve experienced that’s not odd was that one bar we went to on my only visit to NYC. Don’t remember the hotel, except that it was in the financial district and I fell completely in love and indulged in fantasies about having enough money to live there that way. Oh, and I guess Corner Bar in Boulder, right? Is that a hotel bar? Is the Terminal? Hm.
But the Courtyard had these odd microwaved snacks that were totally fine to eat and tasty withal, and the ‘tender was friendly and I had an old fashioned and then I noticed they had Jameson’s and so that was the rest of my night. Some may question my relishing hanging out (and even spending the night) alone, but man I gotta tell ya: as an ambivert, and who had a show the next night during which I needed to be ‘on’ for hours at a stretch, this was a welcome solace.
Why did I rejoice in being away from my partner? Well I didn’t as such, but I must reiterate the health of giving a true love partner some time alone. He and I are both ambiverts, both needing to be very in charge and very charismatic in our everyday lives and jobs, and as we love each other and cherish our time together, we really do need alone time, real alone time, for our mental health. Doesn’t mean I don’t still love him and want to be with him and vice versa, but you guys: we’re both fully formed adults and we aren’t one being, just because we’ve pledged monogamy. Plus, how cool is this:
Partner got to sluice his brain into soothing calm by watching a couple fully gnarly horror movies, the like of which I would never be able to enjoy (or even experience). I in turn had some time to chill on my own, in a space of my own, plan for and succeed in an interview for a side gig, and could watch my own weird shit and go to bed as early or as late as I wanted. Nothing wrong with these things, and when he then joined me the next day, we had lunch together, a snuggly nap, and were ready to perform that night. And more importantly for me, to be ‘on’ from 6pm to midnight.Â
What was a little weird for us (well at least for me—I haven’t asked him about this) is that he and I are natives to Boulder (him born and bred, me having moved here when I was 2), and so we have such a deep rooted familiarity with the city. But now we’re visitors, sharing a hotel with a bunch of people obviously out here for college tour purposes and things we never had to do. Or at least, that happened 30+ years ago. Visitors to the cradle of our childhood, the city where we first met at 15 years old, in the back of a high school science class.
An Uber to Boulder and back to where I live now can get to be easily between $100-$150 each way. The hotel was $140 a night. And there’s the added bonus of not having to worry about how much we’ve sampled the delicious DV8 spirits during the show, or a dangerously late night drive home. I call that a deal. And a lot of fun, actually. Staycations are fun.
